Posted in Full Posts

Lonely thoughts

Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with since about 2017 before that I had been in a couple of long term relationships since I was 18 so it never affected me being an introvert and all that.

I’ve always had a small circle of friends plus my relationships so I had always been great.

As I got older my already small social circle shrunk but I was never really fussed because I was in a relationship.

But around some point in 2016

I had started working nights and on festivals too, so I was away from home all summer and then worked nights all winter (80+ hours per week.)

My relationship fell to pieces, I think the final straw was when I didn’t have the energy to go and see my ex on a rare day off so I ignored her messages, but later that evening my mother invited me out for dinner and I said yeah…

The kicker my mom tagged us on Facebook even though I had said I had just woke up to my ex.

I know I was a dick.

Through everything away for work.

By this point I was just working, working, working.

I had zero friends and now I was single too, I was working so much I hadn’t even seen my mother for a week at one point and we live in the same house.

I was well and truly alone. I worked alone, I might aswell have lived alone and my phone never got any messages.

Working in a small reception area at night as well just compounded this lonely feeling.

That was the first time I had ever felt lonely and I hated it.

Luckily for me it didn’t last too long the first time round,

I hired a personal trainer, who became my best mate and now buisness partner.

I had been to Cyprus alone where I managed to socialize on a couple of excursions and met a women in a bar (the first time in my life that has ever happened.) Then managed to have a short term relationship with a girl from the gym.

Loneliness wasn’t an issue after that, I was as this blog is titled Leveling Up My Life.

I was in the best shape of my life, I had started two buisness in the space of 2 months (after being evicted earlier that year (2018 I think.))

Even me and my ex of 4 years got back together for a while and went on a few holidays.

Flash forward to today, I’m sat on a balcony in rome at 23:00 drinking alone.

What happened.

Well I would blame covid but really I’m at fault.

I talk about Leveling up life, but one area I have failed at is building relationships and connections.

Even though I had started two businesses I had stayed working full time in various jobs over the years because well buisness is hard and we needed cashflow.

Anyway January this year I had enough of working as a property manager in an estate agents so I worked my months notice to go work in my gym – Titan Strength Academy, as a personal trainer.

March comes and I had quit my job so I decided to go to spain for a week (me and my ex had just broken up again.)

The trip to spain was to well get uncomfortable and meet new people and do a little bit of travelling before going fully self employed.

This year was supposed be hard work, building on the businesses.

So I get there and the place is empty, everywhere was closed and I hated most of it.

When I got back in the U.K, a week later we went into lockdown.

And probably a week after that we made the call to close the game down.

Personal Training was supposed to be a way to connect with and help people,, I would have been around people day…

It’s kind of in the job title- Personal Trainer.

So during lockdown obviously I had no connection to anyone outside my household and those lonely thoughts kept creeping in.

I tried online dating, tinder and hinge but I am worse at online dating than making connections in person.

I messaged one girl and her reply was – Haha.


The others just unmatched or didn’t respond which was a little nicer I guess.

I’ve always built relationships by being in groups and chipping in to the conversation every now and then, I’m really bad at Initiating and keeping it flowing (unless i click with someone.)

When me and my younger brother went to rome in August this year I was amazed and kind of jealous at how easy he could approach people and start a conversation,

We met some pretty cool people because of him.

My issue is I’ve never had any reps in that department, as I said earlier I was always in a long term relationship so I’ve never really had to approach people and make new connections.

And now my best friend is also my business partner and he is practically married with 2 kids and lives an hour and a half away from me, so even if he was going to be my wingman, it would take a hell of a lot of planning.

My plan was to travel Italy for a couple of weeks and stay in hostels to connect but the uk is on the verge of a second lockdown so I bottled that and just went for 4 nights and stayed in a hotel instead (since I had the time off work.)

The highlight of this was having a meal for one by the Colosseum and Akon Lonely comes out of the speakers.

Yup I feel ya Akon!

Anyway the purpose of this post if you’ve read this far is to

1. Get these feelings off my chest since I have no one to talk to and

2. Be accountable for what my plan is to counteract this since I talk the game of Leveling up.

So here is my plan

1. After I’ve finished writing my ebook on depression (it’s taken well longer than expected) I’m going to find a coach who trains people how to talk and build connections with people since this is by far my weakest link and obviously implement what I’ve learnt.

2. After covid I managed to get a job in security but it’s not very fulfilling in terms of what I think my life purpose is so I’m also going to finish some course off and build a PT program around them and start really driving on the health and fitness side of things (on this blog too)

Once I’ve built a decent following and got some clients there is a couple of other courses I want to do,.including life coaching.

3. My business have been kind of neglected since covid so I need to put some time into them and build on them between now and the new year, point 2 will help with that.

So that’s my plan, I feel better already getting this off my chest, well that is until I see a beautiful girl in rome that I wouldn’t have the slightest clue how to talk to tomorrow haha.

Posted in Full Posts

Roma Day 1

Rome Day 1.

Mother – ‘Are you looking forward to it’

Me – ‘No not really’

Maybe it’s the stoic in me, but I try not to get excited about things before they happen because fortune can intervene

Driving to the airport listening to Oasis, I still wasn’t excited but just enjoyed the drive instead

I got to the airport a few hours early, got to security to find there was no queue… oh yeah were still in a pandemic

I made it through security in a recording breaking 5 minutes

Ok now my excitement peaked

Fast forward a couple of hours and I’m boarding the plane, there was no one sat besides me which is always a bonus and the flight was pleasant

Got some nice views of Roma before landing and heading for my private taxi,

I don’t really get anxious but the roads and the way people drive in Rome scared the hell out of me, everyone cuttings through each other. It reminded me of videos of Thailand or Indias traffic.

I got to my hotel to be disappointed that the picture don’t match the actual room, which happens more times than they dont.

I got my room now with the usual ‘What the fuck do I do now’

After half an hour of procasting I decided the Colosseum was my first point since I know my way around from there.

Well I got lost spent about 30 minute of Anxiety trying to cross an 8 lane road, I thought this is the way I’m going to go…

But no I made it across and 10,000 steps later I made it to the Colosseum

Found a restaurant directly across from it and asked for a table for 1 please

And a couple of Strawberry Daqouries (however its spelt)

Once they arrived the waiter snatched my phone, now I’m thinking what you doing man, but he does the camera signal so I start awkwardly posing for a picture

They were so cold I started shivering.

After an hour or I returned to my hotel to find it’s on a straight road so I dont know how I got lost in the first place.

My first night in Rome didn’t have the same wow effect it did back in August.

Probably because this time I’m alone and the roads were very overwhelming or simply the fact I’m by myself this time,

Who knows.

Posted in Daily Fires

What makes you uncomfortable

What makes you uncomfortable

I’ve travelled alone a few times now

And I actually hate it, it makes me feel uncomfortable

It goes a little something like this

Arrive then get to hotel, then think Omg what the f*ck am I doing here, what do I do now,

Make things up to do in my hotel room (procrastination) then finally brave the unknown world

The omg what the f*ck am I doing here really compounded when I walked into the hotel bar back in march to find everyone over 60 swing dancing. Then the next day realising the place was on the verge of lockdown so nowhere was open

But the fact it makes me uncomfortable is also the reason why I have to do it sometimes.

Otherwise I’ll just become a hermit who has to rely on other people to see the world

That being said there are other things that make me uncomfortable and I avoid like the plague… one thing at a time right

What things in life make you uncomfortable that if you tackled would make your life a little better